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What the Hell, 2020!: A Year in Review


Egads, it happened again! Through crimes against the laws of physics so horrible I fear divulging them, I was taken to the future over the Christmas holidays to witness the world as it is at the end of 2020! And it is a terrible, chaotic, unnatural, exciting, and bewilderingly horny place. So I now feel it my duty to warn you all of what is coming in the awesome monstrosity yet spontaneous hellfire that is the coming year:

January –Donald Trump’s impeachment moves to the Senate where he insists on testifying personally, during the process of which he strangles three witnesses, foams at the mouth, moons the Democratic caucus, and orders a North Korean investigation into Bernie Sanders from the witness stand. Mitch McConnell acquits him of all charges.

February –In lieu of being denied Oscar consideration, the Academy strikes a deal with Tom Hooper allowing the cats of Cats to host the 92nd Academy Awards. They prance, twirl, and gyrate on stage for three hours and declare Uncut Gems the Jellicle Choice to rave reviews.

March –Disorder continues to engulf Hong Kong as a policeman is discovered in disguise among the protesters. The policeman is later freed by one of the protesters with whom he’d had a complicated history spanning decades, only to later be found dead in the river by an apparent suicide.

April –Cancel culture reaches its zenith when the Pope is ostracized on social media for retweeting a Flat-Earther.  When asked about the backlash, he responds, “I’m very surprised people are so upset –I’m head of the Catholic Church and being wrong about science is just part of our brand.”

May – As a follow-up to their religious symbols ban, Quebec implements a policy of imprisoning Anglophiles for speaking English without a permit. The Canadian government expresses its disapproval and issues a stern letter threatening to snub the province from the Queen’s next visit.

June –J.K. Rowling at long last publishes an eighth Harry Potter book in which Harry and Hermione battle the evil forces of transgender activism, hook up and have six kids, and visit Harry’s real parents in Mumbai because he’s always been Indian. Warner Brothers auctions it for a nine-picture deal.

July –The last of the Amazon Rainforest is lost to wildfires, forest fires, and deforestation causing untold damage to the planets’ ecosystem; the news of which terrifies much of the world until they realize their new Alexa will still be arriving on schedule.

August –Months of hysterical talk of Western Separation balloons into an all-out Canadian Civil War after Jason Kenney blames a rough Edmonton Eskimos season on Justin Trudeau. Carrying a flag of grain and crude oil, the armies of Alberta and Saskatchewan march on Parliament Hill as B.C. steals back Banff National Park while they’re not looking.

September –Having lost all contact with the United Kingdom after Brexit, drones discover signs of civilization intact. While Birmingham is in ruins, Austerity has effectively created a new peasant class, and the rich eat the poor in the House of Lords, Boris Johnson still maintains a 70% approval rating.

October  –The Elder Gods surface from the bowels of the Earth to bring about a Judgment Day, but are disappointed to find humanity has wreaked enough havoc themselves. They leave in search of other worlds to torment ignoring the pleas of thousands desperate to come with them.

November –On the last day of the U.S. Presidential Election, Donald Trump suffers a violent stroke in the middle of a tirade at one of his rallies. Pronounced dead at the scene, it’s not enough to sway his supporters. On election day, ballot counters from all over Moscow declare a landslide victory for Trump’s corpse.

December –On Christmas Day, Disney buys out the totality of world culture, locking the complete works of Shakespeare, The Odyssey, and the Epic of Gilgamesh in the Disney Vault, announcing Jon Favreau-directed live-action remakes of The Torah, the Mona Lisa, and The 1001 Arabian Nights, and copyrighting the concept of art. As artists, writers, musicians and filmmakers around the world undergo mandatory conformity training and millions lose their jobs, superhero fans remain excited about the possibility of Spider-Man teaming up with Batman and Pikachu to fight Dracula.

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