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What to Expect in 2018

2017 has been a rough, discordant year and I’m sorry to say 2018’s not going to be any better. We’re in for a bizarre twelve months ahead, with some things good, some things bad, and some things strange. I’ve seen it through means I can’t disclose, but I feel the public deserves to know at least some of what they’re in store for. So here I’m revealing the biggest news stories of each month of 2018! Prepare yourselves, look on the bright side, and try to act surprised:

January: After Kim Jong-Un demands construction of more nuclear missiles bigger and longer than Americas’, he is crushed when a thirteen foot juggernaut falls on top of him during a demonstration.

February: The Hollywood Sex Abuse Scandal awkwardly hangs over the Academy Awards as every woman presenter and nominee comes armed with a taser in their bra.

March: Humanity breathes a sigh of relief as Twitter is put out of commission. U.S. President Donald Trump throws a brief tantrum before his handler introduces him to Reddit.

April: An upbeat musical based on the life of Edgar Allan Poe opens on Broadway, featuring a hip-hop remix of “The Raven”, only to close after a week due to claims of furious grunts beneath the floorboards.

May: England’s Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle in a ceremony witnessed by literally dozens! Prince Philip suffers a minor heart attack upon discovering halfway through the ceremony his new granddaughter-in-law is half-black.

June: Hurricane Pedro wreaks havoc through garbage island creating a devastating garbage hurricane monstrosity called Shitstorm!

July: The Hollywood Reporter breaks the news that critics actually have been getting paid by Disney to give their movies glowing reviews. Apparently all their cheques had simply bounced the months Alice Through the Looking Glass and Pirates of the Caribbean 5 came out.

August: Surprising no one, conclusive evidence is brought to light that Russia meddled in the 2016 U.S. election. As the true winner of that election, Vladimir Putin replaces Trump as President.

September: The Simpsons begins airing its thirtieth season on Fox. Fans are overjoyed that Matt Groening’s retirement to his private Nicaraguan resort means it will finally be the last one.

October: Brexit hits its no-turning-back phase, at which point the U.K. gets cold feet and impulsively agrees to become part of Portugal.

November: After months of negotiation, the Walt Disney Company buys the nation of Ecuador, naming Jimmy Kimmel its first president and beginning construction on a country-wide expansion of Jungle Cruise.

December: The Solar System officially suspends Earth on the grounds of bad behaviour, self-harm, depression, addiction, and bringing memes into existence. Earth is not to interact with any other planets for 2000 years or until it sobers up, and in the meantime, a thrilled Pluto is restored to fill the vacancy.

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