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The World of Tomorrow: Top News Stories From 2019

Last week I went on an adventure with the Doctor. I’m not at liberty to divulge what it was (but we totally fought Daleks in it!), however at the end of it she decided to show me what’s to come in the year 2019. I didn’t know at the time whether this was a reward for my participation in her saving the day or a punishment. It was a punishment.
So allow me to present a peak behind the curtain at the major news stories and events that lie before the world in 2019.

January: The U.S. government remains shut down for most of the month over Donald Trump’s Border Wall. Trump only relents when he realizes its much easier to kill Mexicans when there isn’t a slab of concrete in the way.

February: The induction of a Best Popular Picture category at the Academy Awards results in exactly zero higher ratings than the previous year. The winner in that category being The Nutcracker and the Four Realms causes some to suspect the real progenitor of that idea.

March: In a last minute Brexit deal, Theresa May negotiates Britains’ continued trade with the European Union in exchange for an abduction of Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson, and Piers Morgan to be dumped in the Marianas Trench.

April: Comedian Louis C.K. continues his attempt to mount a comeback by writing all new material about how silly black transwomen are and how young people are too PC to appreciate the edgy comedy of pasty white guys in their fifties. At one desolate show, Ricky Gervais applauds approvingly.

May: In Canada, fed up with the federal government and desperate to avoid a carbon tax at any cost, the Saskatchewan Party secedes from the rest of the country to join the United States, finally forming the middle finger America is giving the world.

June: In a happier story, the collected earnings from the failed GoFundMe campaign for Trump’s wall are seized and administered as small recompense for the victims of last years devastating hurricane in Puerto Rico, marking the first time money raised for Trump has done some good in the world.

July: Facing dwindling numbers and increased scandals damaging their reputation, the Catholic Church tries to boost millennial interest in Christianity by publishing “The Bible 2”, featuring twice as many battle scenes for only half as many inconsistencies.

August: YouTube and Twitter finally start banning Nazis, not out of abhorrence for their ideology and actions, but for violating Terms of Service by using the platforms to promote 4chan. Jordan Peterson’s audience is lost in one fell swoop.

September: Disney increases its monopoly by buying out Warner Brothers under the guise of integrating the Harry Potter characters into the MCU. In response, J.K. Rowling claims it was always her intent that Hagrid fight the Incredible Hulk.

October: Ontario Premier Doug Ford scales back sex education curriculums even further. The provinces’ youth are now taught the correct herbs to use as a means of contraception and which fertility god to pray to to avoid wandering womb.

November: Volcanic eruptions, dozens of hurricanes in a matter of weeks, rains of frogs, and a flood that engulfs New Zealand proves still not enough for world governments to substantially act against climate change. Climate scientists begin construction on a rocket ship to take them to Mars.

December: With the Mueller probe complete, Trump impeachment hearings finally begin in the United States; but a chasm in the Earth opens up and demons spew out to begin harvesting our flesh for their Christmas feast. They are let down in the joy of their hunt however by the fact that everyone, as it happens, welcomes the sweet, sweet relief of death.

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