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A Horrified Recap of 2023: How Are We Still Here??


Drink some fine eggnog to another year done and gone! It’s getting a tad repetitive that each year of the 2020s sucks, and 2022 was little better than either of its’ predecessors.  Sure it had its’ high points -the defeat of Bolsonaro, the death of the Queen; but overall was mostly another string of disappointments in politics, culture, hope for humanity -all that stuff. Still, some are looking forward to 2023 with optimism and purpose. Surely the hardships can’t persist much longer, there’s light at the end of the tunnel…
Fools! I once again have been blessed (cursed?) with knowing what we will bear witness to and what will become of us in the coming twelve months. The New Years’ Oracle has shown me all, and I cannot bear that burden of knowledge alone. Plus it’s just more fun to watch the chaos -it’s all I’ve got really. Anyway, you know the drill; the most momentous stories of 2023 are:
 
January –Three months after ascending to the post of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak is forced to resign amidst an economic plan to solve the cost-of-living crisis by enslaving the poor. Johnsonites turn on him for not voting for their cannibalism alternative. Seven more Tory Prime Ministers succeed Sunak in the next six months while he retires with a meagre £50,000 severance.
 
February –In a gesture of goodwill, Chris Rock is invited to host the Oscars. A third of the way through the show he gets walloped upside the head by Brendan Gleeson simply for being a hack comedian. Elsewhere, Tom Cruise performs a live aerial stunt, spectacularly crash-landing onto the Dolby Theatre in an F14 jet. In spite of the destruction it’s impressive enough to spur a last-minute rush of votes naming Top Gun: Maverick Best Picture.
 
March –As Ukraine continues depleting Russian resources in their ongoing war, Vladimir Putin once again vaguely threatens the use of nuclear bombs. Before he can act though, the Ukrainian army pushes through western Russia, ultimately driving Putin and his followers out of Moscow and St. Petersburg. The further they retreat into Siberia, the greater the irony of their decimation at the hands of the harsh Russian winter.
 
April –Twitter finally collapses in the wake of Elon Musk firing a few hundred more administrators and instituting a new feature supposedly to curb divisiveness by auto-editing every tweet into praise of how funny, cool or smart he is. As Tesla and SpaceX declare bankruptcy, Musk finds contentment in his now solitary platform of instant gratification, isolated from family and underlings with the only bots that ever loved him.
 
May –As Britain’s wealth disparity rises to Dickensian levels, King Charles’s coronation is held at Westminster Abbey. Things take a turn for the worse when the Archbishop of Canterbury accidentally misplaces the crown and has to anoint the King with a bowler hat, before descending into complete chaos when Charles suffers a sudden heat stroke under the robe. Harry and Megan being uninvited, Piers Morgan sits conspicuously in a corner furiously masturbating to her picture.
 
June –In western Canada, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith narrowly wins her provincial election through a campaign fueled by intense sovereignty pledges  and an ungodly amount of crude oil. As her first act in the new government, she spearheads a convoy army to march on Ottawa and burn Justin Trudeau at the stake. Using Saskatchewan’s Scott Moe as a battering ram, they breach the House of Commons only to find themselves caught in Trudeau’s elaborate Parliament-wide Home Alone trap.
 
July –Marvels’ The Marvels opens to no great marvel, trounced at the box office by Mission: Impossible -Dead Reckoning Part 1. Following on below average returns for the third Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy movies as well, Disney and Marvel Studios in a panic that their cultural dominance is fading, foreclose their VFX departments in an effort to embrace practical filmmaking; which goes well until Tom Holland slips off a skyscraper and Human Torch actor Pete Davidson accidentally self-immolates.
 
August –The Great Bitcoin Crash of August 17th marks the definitive end of the cryptocurrency era, as several companies go under and even more CEOs are jailed for fraud. Thousands of internet trolls, conspiracy acolytes, and dark web connoisseurs around the world lose livelihoods. Assessing the phenomenon of made-up values applied to currencies with no tangible existence, leading economists start publicly questioning the arbitrary value placed on “real” money before Jeff Bezos has them systematically assassinated.
 
September –The K-Pop invasion of American mainstream music reaches its’ zenith as songs by new import groups designed for TikTok dominate the entirety of the Billboard Top 20. The OG BTS however begins to fracture over creative differences between the members, controversial comments about being “bigger than Elmo”, and a persistent rumour that band leader RM is actually dead. Meanwhile seeking a market, U.S. rappers, rockers and country stars alike find renewed and unexpected success… in Korea.
 
October –At last confident enough to invade Taiwan, the Chinese government is astonished to find that record-breaking monsoons caused the island to sink back into the sea in February. A U.S.-based undersea expedition finds that the resilient and unperturbed Taiwanese have adapted and continued their civilization Atlantean style at the bottom of the ocean -everyone resolving not to tell China, which adapts the official policy that Taiwan never existed in the first place.
 
November –The 2024 U.S. Republican primaries kick off in an awkward display of middle-aged men attempting to out-Culture War one another. Ron DeSantis eventually gets a boost in the polls over Rand Paul, Mike Pence, and Kristyn Sinema when he personally airdrops several hundred migrants over the San Fernando valley dressed up in drag to trigger the libs. Donald Trump, in a desperate effort to revert his waning popularity and avoid prison time, joins the Kanye West ticket.
 
December –Somehow, Jesus Christ returned. To the joy of Christians, bewilderment of atheists, and apathy of agnostics, the J-man himself descends back to Earth, on Christmas Day no less. Evangelicals eager to be raptured are disappointed however by the confirmation that that whole part of the Bible was the result of a bad shroom trip by Jesus and the apostle John. Quickly branded a socialist by conservative media for continuing to preach on love, acceptance, and generosity, he soon decides to leave Earth again to convince his father to start it over. God relents, snapping the world out of existence just as the New Year is rung in.

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