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2022: Here We Go Again!


We’re here again! End of another largely terrible year. As I accurately foretold this time last year it was indeed marginally better than the last one -though only marginally. 2021 was a dud, and only seemed to further show us the face of our doom. We’ve got a new COVID variant to worry about (wasn’t this supposed to be over by now??), and what societal, cultural progress is being made is so slow it’s likely to mean zilch anyways. Still, 2022 could be better -although I gotta tell ya honestly, it won’t. I have seen it, and I curse every day the wizard who gifted me this hideous clairvoyance. But I feel obliged to warn humanity of what is to come. Ripped from the headlines, this is the fate of our world in 2022!

January –In Canada, the Conservative Party kicks out leader Erin O’Toole for not being repugnant enough, replacing him with fellow Irish-Canadian blowhard Rex Murphy to rebrand the party’s image for the 1950s. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, vacationing in Barbados but seeking to avoid a repeat of the Truth and Reconciliation Day scandal, has a golden retriever sit in for him in Parliament.

February –The Oscars, deciding to cave to Marvel President Kevin Feige’s pleas that they give more recognition to highly commercially successful films, proceed to award Best Picture to Dune. In response, Feige produces a miniseries about Captain America fighting aliens masquerading as Academy voters and destroying the Dolby Theatre -it goes on to win twenty-four Emmys.

March –Queen Elizabeth at long last passes away within a month of Prince Andrew being arrested for sex trafficking. Royal popularity at an all-time low, the newly crowned King Charles tries to rehabilitate the crowns’ image by starting a TikTok account. In a video where he attempts to lip-synch to a song by The Weeknd, he discovers in real time the singer is black and suffers a fatal heart attack.

April –Wildfires, floods, tornadoes, and hurricanes across North America -and all within a single month. An emergency climate conference is held at which world leaders decide on a plan to ease up on greenhouse gases a tiny bit each year and see if it does anything. The worlds’ leading climatologists throw up their hands in frustration and walk into the rising seas where Florida used to be.

May –Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos’ space race accelerates, each pouring millions of dollars into their game of one-upmanship. Musk takes Harrison Ford to space, Bezos counters by planting an Amazon flag on the moon, and Musk retaliates by registering Mars as a Tesla product. As this goes on, the general populace takes little notice of both billionaires weaning their employees off wages entirely until they’ve successfully rendered their workforces slaves.

June –Jurassic World: Dominion opens below expectations and becomes the last non-Disney owned movie to play in a theatre. All remaining cinemas are renamed Disneyporiums and fitted with interactive seats and handlebars to contain the raucous enthusiasm. Every non-Disney filmmaker left is pitted against one another in a battle royale for the chance to show their movie at Lincoln Centre. Surprisingly, it’s Terrence Malick who emerges victorious.

July –A new COVID variant, Unicron, first identified in Namibia, scourges across the world with an infectiousness that exceeds all prior strains. As cases and deaths rise in the worlds’ richest countries the UN decides that maybe it’s about time they considered distributing vaccines to Africa, to the dismay of Bill Gates and the vaccine patent holders.

August –Itching for a chance to justify exorbitant military spending, the U.S. government turns a campaign to kick the Taliban out of Afghanistan into The Forever War II –this time with even more war crimes, more drone strikes, more propaganda, and more half-assed attempts to install puppet governments in the Middle East. This time enlisting in the army comes with a free status of qualified immunity.

September –The Critical Race Theory controversy in the United States reaches new heights as it makes its’ way to the Supreme Court, who decide to bar wholesale any teaching of the country’s history of racism, colonialism, Nazism, genocide, the humiliating business with Vietnam, that time Canadians burnt down the White House, and that time Trumpists almost did it again.

October –Saskatchewan’s evil plan to privatize healthcare through wilful sabotage of the province’s medical system comes to fruition through a vote by the Sask Party at a legislative convening they don’t tell the press about. The night of celebration is short-lived however, when the ghost of Tommy Douglas pays a visit to beat the shit out of Scott Moe.

November –In the U.S midterms, the Republican Party wins majorities in both the House of Representatives and the Senate after an uphill battle against the appeals of President Joe Biden’s old fashioned folksiness. Considering for a moment the results might have been different if they had actually done anything in the past two years, the Democrats instead decide its’ easier just to pin the loss on leftists.

December –Sick of all the bullshit, the dastardly cabal of Lizard People secretly running the world finally reveal themselves to the validation of basement-dwelling conspiracy dopes everywhere. On Christmas Day they leave the planet, taking with them their capitalism, their viruses, and a few million willing human test subjects. In their absence the world discovers happiness for the first time and rejoices for exactly one week -before realizing the ozone layer is gone and everybody melts into a puddle of pancake.

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